My Year in Review

2014 has been one of the worst years of my life. So much has changed, and going through this past year has been emotionally and physically exhausting.

So, as thinking about the past year brings up some unwanted and unpleasant emotions, I've decided to answer a list of questions I found on Tumblr instead of write some heartfelt essay about the trials and tribulations of life.

Enjoy:


1. Describe your year in one word.

Painful

2. Describe your year in three words.

Full of change

3. Describe your year in one sentence.

It's been difficult, but I've learned a lot.

4. Describe your year with song lyrics.

I just spent 13 minutes trying to answer this so I'm going to skip it.

5. Describe your year with a quote.

"This too shall pass."

6. Best memories from 2014?

Visiting Washington DC with my brother was pretty cool.

7. Worst memories from 2014?

Everyday I was depressed and all the unfortunate changes in my appearance.

8. Biggest surprise from 2014?

Showing myself that I am capable of going after my dreams.

9. If you could change one thing about the past year what would it be?

Not having an eating disorder

10. If you could relive one day from 2014 what would it be?

Probably Christmas Day, as it came and went way too quickly

11. What's the strangest thing that happened to you in 2014?

Hitting rock bottom a second time

12. If you got the chance to relive this year would you do it?

Hell no

13. Describe your year with a picture.

14. Who were the most meaningful people in your life this year?

My friend, Jessica.

15. Did any major life changes happen to you?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

16. Who's the coolest person you met in 2014?

are cats people

17. Any regrets concerning the past year?

Hahahahahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

18. What is the most memorable thing that happened to you in 2014?

Gaining some control over my eating disorder

19. Would you say you had a good year?

Is this even a question

20. What's the greatest achievement you made this year?

Getting accepted to four colleges early, although I feel pretty indifferently about it.

21. Name one meaningful song for every month of the year.

This is too strenuous of a question, so I'm just going to say that The Pretty Reckless album that came out this year has gotten me through a lot.

22. What's the best thing someone has said to you this year?

"You have talent." and "I believe in you."

23. What's the worst thing someone has said to you this year?

"You are selfish, rude, and cynical."

24. What's the best gift you have received this year?

I got some Studio Beats headphones for Christmas, those were cool.

25. Best book you read?

Nope, can't choose one. I really enjoyed all the books I read this year.

26. Best TV show you watched?

30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Bob's Burgers, Monk, House (to be fair I had already seen most of these)

27. Best movie you saw in 2014?

A Million Ways to Die in the West

28. Best song you heard in 2014?

All the songs on The Pretty Reckless album

29. Most boring day of the year?

lol

30. Saddest day of the year?

Too many to pick just one

31. Scariest moments in 2014?

Just my all around decline

32. Share the best picture you took in 2014.

See #13

33. Did 2014 meet your expectations?

Hell no

34. Would you say you changed this year?

Hell yes

35. Did this year teach you anything?

Oh, yes. It made every flaw and imperfection that I have known to an astounding level. It taught me that I am a failure and am an acne covered sack of sludge. But it also taught me that I am capable of pushing myself, I am capable of achieving things that I only dream about. It taught me that I have the potential to do great things. 

Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

#4.14: Read 25 New Books; #6.9: Read BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013 – Being Henry David

101 in 1001

BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013

"How can you move on with your life when you can't even remember it?

He wakes up in Penn Station with no memory of who he is. All he has in his possession is a worn-out paperback of Walden by Henry David Thoreau. All he knows is that he's on the run. 

And so he becomes Henry David, "Hank" for short. With the book as his guide, he sets out for the only destination he can think of: Walden Pond. There, while sleeping in the woods and hiding around town, it seems like he can begin again, with new friends and a girl he can't stop thinking about. 

But when pieces of memories start coming back, Hank realizes the stranger he fears the most is himself. What's in his past that his mind won't let him face?"


I've been pretty impressed by all of the books on BuzzFeed's list so far, including this one (I guess being a well-written book is a prerequisite to making a list entitled 21 Best YA Books of 2013?). Again, this book had a plot that I hadn't experienced in books before; it was suspenseful and exciting, but was also romantic and sweet and I 10/10 recommend ok


Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

#18.1: Make 10 DIY Projects – Advent Calendar

101 in 1001 

It's no secret that I really like Christmas. I'm a pretty festive person, especially October through December, and Christmas is without a doubt my favorite holiday. My birthday is actually on Christmas Day (I know, I'm better than you), so that may have something to do with it.

I figured out what advent calendars are last year, and by the time I realized how cool they were, it was too late to make one. The idea to make one popped into my head again after I saw this video on YouTube. It seemed fairly easy, and I liked how you could customize it however you wanted.

I actually didn't realize that making this fits in with my 101 in 1001 challenge, and didn't take any pictures of the whole crafting process. But here it is anyway:

The pouches are made from cardboard tubes (I used empty wrapping paper rolls, but paper towel or toilet paper rolls work just as well). To decorate them, I used Christmas-themed washi tape, ribbon, silver and gold glittered paper that I cut into various, Christmasy shapes, scrapbook embellishments, and different gift tags. The black tags are actually chalkboard tags. Each pouch was filled with chocolate and a little tag with a different holiday activity:

These were from the first three days that we already opened:

 And here are all the tags close up:

 It took me a while to figure out how I was going to hang it up. At first, I was just going to use twine, but all the pouches just stupidly collected in the middle when I tried to hang it up. Then, after unpacking the christmas decorations, I saw that we had an extra yard of this greenery (wth is the name for it?). I put it on the wall and hung each pouch like an ornament. Here's how it looked the night right after I hung it up (do a shot for every 'hung/hang' in this paragraph):

I think it turned out alright. I've never really done a DIY type thing like this before, and I learned a lot from it. What do you think? What's your favorite pouch/day on my calendar?


Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

#4.13: Read 25 New Books; #6.8: Read BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013 – Out of The Easy

101 in 1001 

BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA of 2013



So, it's been about a year since I started this challenge (actually, 11 months today), and it's just hit me how little I've accomplished.

SO MANY FEELINGS SO MUCH ANXIETY

But anyway, I read another book. This was another that wasn't part of a series, and I picked this to read next because the premise was so interesting:

"It's 1950, and as the French Quarter of New Orleans simmers with secret, seventeen-year-old Josie Moraine is silently stirring a pot of her own. Known among locals as the daughter of a brothel prostitute, Josie wants more out of life than the Big Easy has to offer. She devises a plan to get out, but a mysterious death in the Quarter leaves Josie tangled in a police investigation that will challenge her allegiance to her mother, her conscience, and Willie Woodley, the brusque madam on Conti Street.

Josie is caught between the dream of an elite college and a clandestine underworld. New Orleans lures her in a quest for truth, dangling temptation at every turn, and escalating to the ultimate test.

With characters as captivating as those in her internationally bestselling novel Between Shades of Gray, Ruta Sepetys skillfully creates a rich story of secret, lies, and the haunting reminder that decisions can shape our destiny. 


I loved this. It had elements of romance, which we all know I love, but was also suspenseful. It had murder, violence, and mystery, which is something I love in film but hadn't ever really experienced in books before.


Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

#4.12: Read 25 New Books; #6.7: Read BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013 – Eleanor & Park

BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA of 2013

101 in 1001

"'Bono met his wife in high school,' Park says.

'So did Jerry Lee Lewis,' Eleanor answers.

'I'm not kidding,' he says.

'You should be," she says, 'we're 16.'

'What about Romeo and Juliet?'

'Shallow, confused, then dead.'

'I love you,' Park says.

'Wherefore art thou,' Eleanor answers.

'I'm not kidding,' he says.

'You should be.'

Set over the course of one school year in 1986, Eleanor & Park is the story of two star-crossed misfits – smart enough to know that first love almost never lasts, but brave and desperate enough to try. When Eleanor meets Park, you'll remember your own first love – and just how hard it pulled you under."

This book was so many things. It was passionate, and sexy, and loving, and realistic, and funny, and, in the end, heartbreaking. I don't want to give too many details away, because I think everyone should read this and because I'm too exhausted to think of anything witty to say, but just know that I highly recommend it. 

Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

Adventures in Depression

I stand there in my oversized sweatshirt and gym shorts, greasy hair at the result of not having showered in five days, 30 pounds heavier than I was ten months ago, across from you, with your perfect body and busy social life and beautiful, symmetrical face. Every expletive in existence runs through my brain, but I still have some semblance of willpower, and manage to not curse you out.

I've had depression since I was in the fourth grade, almost ten years ago.

This one'll be a doozy. Brace yourselves.

Ten years is a long fucking time. Sure, there have been times within the last ten years where the severity of my depression has varied (2009 destroyed little 13 year old Autumn, and I'm still in the midst of a foggy, lonely cloud of existence that descended on me mid-December 2013), but overall, I've gone through the past almost-decade numb. Without much feeling. Just observing the world around me rather than participating in it.

I'm not going to say what specifically led me to such crippling grief. Depression is highly subjective, and if I were to tell you, you'd probably chuckle and say, "Oh, Autumn. People recover from much worse in much less time!"

Which is true. It's not like someone close to me died, or I was assaulted or anything. But still. Just imagine that the worst thing imaginable that could happen to you, happened to me. And roll with it.

Have you ever been depressed? If so, then you will know that no matter what you do, no matter who you surround yourself with, you will be isolated. The only person who knows just how heartbreakingly deep your sadness is, is you. You might reach out to someone else in desperation, internally screaming, "PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME! MAKE ME NOT BE ALONE WITH MY GOD-AWFUL SELF! I'M DROWNING IN SADNESS! SOS!" but they will run away frightened, not wanting to, and probably not equipped to, deal with you and all your baggage. 

Others don't understand. Because mental illness is such an internal thing, it doesn't carry the same weight that something like cancer or multiple sclerosis does. It can't be physically seen on the body, and when you're physically perfectly healthy, how sad can you really be? Oh, you're depressed? Oh, boo hoo. Take a hike! Meditate! Exercise! Choose to be happy! Suck it up! It's not a life-threatening disease and I don't care what you say!

Some people will acknowledge you with their false pity and say "You can get through this." or "Things will get better!" all while secretly thanking their lucky stars that they're not you. They 'recognize' that depression is something concerning, but again, are too happy to not be like you to really take it seriously.

It's hard to relate to anyone who doesn't seem to share your struggles. Because again, they do not know the extent of your sadness; they probably think the way you're behaving is superficial and immature, and are dying to slap you and scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

I think this particular part is also true with eating disorders. Time and time again I've caught myself thinking, "Fuck you, and your ability to view food as fuel for when you're hungry, and not like me where it's literally my worst enemy and a substance that I abuse and as the cause of so many of my problems! Fuck you for being better than me!"

If you couldn't tell by now, I am quite cynical. I am bitter. I am also lonely, and that in and of itself amplifies all those negative traits times a thousand.

I have so much more to say, but I'm not articulate/eloquent/organized enough to adequately write it down. Just take this as like a very generalized, extra-short summary of what I'm thinking right now. It feels incomplete, but my foot's asleep and I want to get back to my book and there is a cookie calling my name.



Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn

P.S. I apologize for the expletives. But I rescind that apology because I like expletives.

#4.11: Read 25 New Books; #6.6: Read BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013 – The Beginning of Everything

BuzzFeed's 21 Best YA Books of 2013

101 in 1001


I've been really tied up with college applications, working, and being sick the last week. A bit overwhelming. And naturally, when things get overwhelming, I turn to Netflix and forget about my commitments because I am a responsible adult and you can't tell me otherwise!

"Golden boy Ezra Faulkner believes everyone has a tragedy waiting for them – a single encounter after which everything that really matters will happen. His particular tragedy waited until he was printed to lose it all: In one spectacular night, a reckless driver shatters Ezra's knee, his athletic career, and his social life.

No longer a front-runner for Homecoming King, Ezra finds himself at the table of misfits, where he encounters new girl Cassidy Thorpe. Cassidy is unlike anyone Ezra's ever met – achingly effortless and fiercely intelligent.

Together, Ezra and Cassidy discover flash mobs, buried treasure, and a poodle that might just be the reincarnation of Jay Gatsby. But as Ezra dives into his new studies, new friendships, and new love, he learns that some people, like boys, are easy to misread. And now he must consider: If one's singular tragedy has already hit, what happens when more misfortune strikes?

Robyn Schneider's The Beginning of Everything is a lyrical, witty, and heart-wrenching novel about how difficult it is to play the part that people expect, and how new beginnings can stem from abrupt and tragic endings."


This was such a sweet book. The writing style was so clever and unique and funny, and I was immediately mesmerized within the first few pages. I honestly might read this book again, and will probably read the author's other work, just to experience her writing more.

The book didn't end the way I originally wanted it to, but I'm not going to go into it for a couple of reasons: 1. the feels, and 2. I don't want to spoil it for anyone out there who may want to read it. But I highly recommend.


Thanks for reading, no one!

Autumn