Saturday, December 26, 2015


I have never been better. I am fine. I am so good. I am honestly great and nothing is wrong and nor will it ever be because Jesus Himself has blessed me with His Midas Touch and my entire life is proof of His existence.

Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. Nothing is weird. All of it is good. Just all of it. All the things.

Have you ever looked in the mirror expecting to see the face of a 20 year old stunner with chiseled cheekbones that are worthy of being immortalized in film but are instead greeted by a misshapen chubby mound of flesh that Satan himself would not fuck?

See, I told you. Nothing is wrong. I am fine.

I'm just slightly embarrassed that I'm easily a quarter of the way through my life and nom ale specimen has taken one for the team and smashed his lips against mine.

Let me rephrase that: no male specimen that doesn't creep me the fuck out has yet taken one for the team. I guess there have been opportunities, despite my being a literal fungus encrusted foot.

No, I don't know. Fuck it.

You know what? I'm fine. I am so good. Honestly, I would love to live alone with 7 dogs. I would love to die a virgin. Romance and intimacy aren't the most important things in life.

Farting and late night bingeing are.

Thanks for reading, no one!


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